What I Have Waited For....

For the past three years it has been difficult to express to people what I feel in regards to losing our children.  Many people do not understand or see it as a big deal.  They do not understand the pain or the sadness that can sometimes be gripping.  Several times in the past couple years I have gone through the stages of grieving. 

I am sure other infertiles can relate to feeling alone and to crying out to God for help and comfort and for the baby inside of them to keep growing and be a miracle against all odds.  Sadly, in our case our babies did not survive and I miscarried all 4 of them( 3 with ER stays and 1 at home).  Most people who know me have no idea what we have gone through, unless I have opened up and shared our story with you. 

Anyways, I write all this to say our journey has been exhausting and I feel like its time to open up and let others know that I understand, I relate to your pain, I understand your tears and I have probably felt similar to what you feel in the past 3 years as your walk your journey.

Getting back to the title of the post" What I have waited for"... I thought I would share some of the daydreams I have held onto through this all.

 I imagine waking up early in the AM and going into the babies room to marvel at the miracle we were given.  I dream of sitting in my rocker next to the window and singing the sweet baby back to sleep as i fight dosing off myself.  I imagine chasing them around our house as they learn to crawl and walk.  I picture Roger ( with his huge manly muscles) snuggling our little baby at night as we discuss how sweet it is to finally have our baby(babies) that we have waited so long to hold. I have waited to be able to pack the baby into a cute little jogging stroller and go out for a run on a nice spring day.  I want to teach it to be kind and gentle to animals and enjoy being licked in the face by a big dog.  I want to look into the rear view mirror and see a sweet smiley baby looking back at me as we drive to the park( I have looked back so many times to see nothing but seat and have held this thought so long).

As I write these very personal thoughts I feel encouraged that like so many other women we will have our turn.  We will get to have our announcement, our gender reveal, our baby shower and our first day at home looking at each other like " what do we do now" haha.

Holding onto hope is sometimes all we have.  Keep trusting God and it will come to pass.  God knows our desires, He pays attention to every detail of our lives and He cares for us so deeply.