What I Have Waited For....

For the past three years it has been difficult to express to people what I feel in regards to losing our children.  Many people do not understand or see it as a big deal.  They do not understand the pain or the sadness that can sometimes be gripping.  Several times in the past couple years I have gone through the stages of grieving. 

I am sure other infertiles can relate to feeling alone and to crying out to God for help and comfort and for the baby inside of them to keep growing and be a miracle against all odds.  Sadly, in our case our babies did not survive and I miscarried all 4 of them( 3 with ER stays and 1 at home).  Most people who know me have no idea what we have gone through, unless I have opened up and shared our story with you. 

Anyways, I write all this to say our journey has been exhausting and I feel like its time to open up and let others know that I understand, I relate to your pain, I understand your tears and I have probably felt similar to what you feel in the past 3 years as your walk your journey.

Getting back to the title of the post" What I have waited for"... I thought I would share some of the daydreams I have held onto through this all.

 I imagine waking up early in the AM and going into the babies room to marvel at the miracle we were given.  I dream of sitting in my rocker next to the window and singing the sweet baby back to sleep as i fight dosing off myself.  I imagine chasing them around our house as they learn to crawl and walk.  I picture Roger ( with his huge manly muscles) snuggling our little baby at night as we discuss how sweet it is to finally have our baby(babies) that we have waited so long to hold. I have waited to be able to pack the baby into a cute little jogging stroller and go out for a run on a nice spring day.  I want to teach it to be kind and gentle to animals and enjoy being licked in the face by a big dog.  I want to look into the rear view mirror and see a sweet smiley baby looking back at me as we drive to the park( I have looked back so many times to see nothing but seat and have held this thought so long).

As I write these very personal thoughts I feel encouraged that like so many other women we will have our turn.  We will get to have our announcement, our gender reveal, our baby shower and our first day at home looking at each other like " what do we do now" haha.

Holding onto hope is sometimes all we have.  Keep trusting God and it will come to pass.  God knows our desires, He pays attention to every detail of our lives and He cares for us so deeply.

3 Day Update!!

We waited all day yesterday for our 3 day update.  I literally opened my eyes and the first thing I thought was about how all our embryos were developing.  We had 11 fertilize and our hope was that we would have several healthy embryos for biopsy.  After a very long day and dealing with our nerves I finally heard from Mary.

Here is what she said:

* The Dr biopsied 10 of the 11 fertilized.  That means that those 10 were on target at day 3( between 7-9 cells) and were growing very nicely!!!!  One cell from each of the embryos was sent off to Reprogenetics overnight.

As I write this they are being genetically (PGD) tested in NJ as the embryos continue to grow and develop here in Tulsa.

We will hear late tonight or first thing in the morning about the results ( day 5) and then discuss when my transfer will be, either tomorrow afternoon or Friday( Day 6 transfer).  I am trying to be active today since I will be layed up over the next few days.

After the retrieval it is complete bedrest for 24 hours, but in talking to other IVFers I have decided 2-3 days of bed rest is even better.  I want those sweet little embryos to nestle in and implant!!!

A few days ago I joined the Yahoo balanced translocation group.  It is an awesome way to talk with others who have/are going through similar things as us.  Usually I feel out of place or just alone when talking about 4 miscarriages, grief, frustration etc. with fertility.  This board has over a thousand members who can all relate to me.  Its really comforting.  I wish I found this group 3 years ago.

Movie suggestion:  If you haven't already seen it or even if you have you should watch "Facing the Giants".  I cried through it the other night but really felt like we watched it at the perfect time in this process.  The main message is that "Nothing is impossible with God".  If you really think about those words and not just in a cliche "I've heard that before" sense it is a very powerful message for everyone, especially during stressful, infertile times.

Hoping for the best news ever tomorrow!!!!

Fertilization Report

Well, I had decided I wanted to sleep in until I got the call with our fertilization report.  It was supposed to be between 11-4pm, haha.  Anyways I rolled out of bed at 9:45 and I received a call from Mary.  She told me that of the 14 eggs, 13 were mature and 11 fertilized.  So now we have 11 fertilized embryos growing!!!

Again, not the number we had hope for, but still 11 embryos growing in a dish in a lab( sigh). 

Tomorrow we wont get a call.  I decided that I need to keep myself busy and my mind occupied!  I need to stay positive and hopeful.

Tuesday I will get a call telling me how many they are going to biopsy and send to Reprogenetics in NJ.  Once there they will be checking for abnormalities.  They will create a report and send it to my doctors who will let me know Wednesday night or Thursday AM.  my transfer should be Thursday afternoon or Friday AM.

At this point I feel completely drained.  Tired physically, mentally and emotionally.  I am still SO sore from the retrieval too :( 

Today I am trusting this will all be worth it and believing for healthy/ normal embryos.

Thanks for reading :)

Egg Retrieval....Not what we Expected

Today we had our retrieval.  To say the least it was not what we expected.  We arrived at 8 as we were told and were quickly taken back to a room.  The nurse came in and went over our new calendar that will take us up until next Friday ( my second beta to determine pregnancy).

Roger and I hung out until they had me get changed and led me to my surgery room.  It all happened so quickly, I was knocked out, they took out the eggs and then i was woken up like 30 minutes later.  All in all we left by 10 AM.

So next comes the disappointing and discouraging news.  They only retrieved 14 eggs.  The first thing I asked when I woke up was "how many eggs did you get"?  When the nurse told me I almost started crying.  Roger was right there telling me it was a good number and that it was okay.  I kept repeating the number over and over. 

How could this happen with so many follicles?  I wondered myself and asked the doctor when he came in to the room.  He said that I had ovulated some of the eggs.  Apparently this happens to less than 1.5% of women going through IVF.  He also said that some of the 30 follicles were small and didn't contain eggs.

I was so mad.  I had felt like I should have triggered earlier then I was told too.  I had a great E2 level and my follicle count was so good.  The doctor said to coast and my E2 level shot up so I couldn't trigger until it went down.  I even told Roger on Tuesday that I thought I should trigger, but I am not a medical professional so it wasn't up to me. I feel like the doctor waited to long to trigger me and that's why I ovulated. 

After sleeping for a few hours at home and talking more to Roger I have calmed down and gained perspective.  14 eggs is a good number, not what I wanted but still good.  Some women would be ecstatic with 14 as their retrieval number.  I just felt heartbroken that some of the eggs had ovulated :(

How do I feel after retrieval?
Can I just say I was not prepared for the pain I feel tonight.  I am SO sore from my belly button down.  The doctor said this is normal because the follicles were drained of fluid and were pushed and prodded with the needle during the retrieval.  I could barely walk!!


Tonight Roger took me to our favorite NYC style pizza place where I get baked ziti( its amazing).   I had taken a pain pill before we left but forgot to take the anti-nausea tablet with it..big mistake!  As soon as we walked in the door I ran to the bathroom and threw up 2 times.

All in all a rough, disappointing, painful day.  Everyday is new though, must stay positive!!!!

What's next?

Tomorrow we get our call with how many eggs fertilized, and the waiting game begins!




Here is the verse I am focusing on tonight : Psalm 138:8 "The Lord will perfect that which concerns me(us)."

Triggered and ready for Saturday!!!!

The past couple of days have been interesting.  On Monday my estradiol level was 3320 so I assumed I would be triggering on Tuesday and so did my nurse.  Dr. Ahlering decided to let my follicles grow a little more and to coast through Tuesday night, so no trigger.  On Wednesday I went in again and had my blood drawn and had another ultrasound.  They know me by name in this big busy office because I have been in there every day for like 2 weeks..haha!  Anyways I had 30+ follicles and they were measuring up to around 17mm.  They like to trigger and around 18mm.  My estradiol came back over 5000..yikes!  The doctor said I couldn't trigger on Wednesday because I would over or hyperstimulate, so again coasting and taking Ganirelex. 

Today I went in for a blood draw hoping that my level dropped below 4000 and it did-1700.  Got an email saying trigger at exactly 7:00PM tonight.  Not only did I have to trigger but also start the dreaded progesterone in oil shots in the buttocks.Yikes!  After staring at the needle for a good 20 minutes, watching a demo on how to give the shot and walking around with an icepack in my pants, I worked up the courage and did the shot!!!  Not so bad until after, I am really feeling the Intramuscular thing now, so sore!

My egg retrieval is set for Saturday at 9AM!!!  I have to fast the night before and take hydracodine early in the AM on Saturday so I will basically be in lala land by the time we even get to the clinic.

The next week is the part I have been mentally preparing for.  Saturday is retrieval, Sunday we will get a call with a fertilization report, Monday no call(ahhh)  Tuesday is the biopsy to take one cell out to send to Reprogenetics in NJ ( where they perform the PGD), Wednesday I will know how many normal cells/embryos we have ( believing for 3+) and Thursday is my 5 Day Transfer!!!  Big week coming up, I am so excited :)

Thanks for reading, and feel free to share your story as well :)

29 Follicles!!!!

So...I went in for my ultrasound and E2 level today(Cycle Day 9) and here are the results:

Right ovary: 15 Follicles
Left Ovary: 14 Follicles

Estradiol Level today: 1745

Largest Follicle is at 15mm.

According to several different sites that I read they like to trigger and retrieve when the  follicles reach between 16-18mm.  I am right there!  My nurse said that I would be triggering either tomorrow night or Wednesday at the latest!  I ripened quickly apparently :)

I was slightly freaked out realizing how soon I would have the retrieval( 2 days after the trigger shot). 

All in all both doctors said everything looked really good and that I would get a lot of eggs, which is what I have been praying for everyday :)  As quickly as everything is moving I feel peaceful knowing overall it has been a long time coming and I feel grateful to be able to do this whole process.


How do I feel?
It is getting hard to move to much, my abs are so tender and I feel 5 months pregnant with how much bloating I have, yikes!
I have to use the bathroom like every 15 minutes, probably due to all the pressure my ovaries are putting on my bladder..TMI my friend!

I feel hopeful about becoming pregnant for the first time in 3 years. It is a wonderful feeling to have hope, especially when it has been absent for so long.

Ultrasound # 2

Yesterday was my second ultrasound.  Roger had to work so I had to go by myself.  For whatever reason the doctor was way behind so I had to sit in the waiting room for an hour.  I was the only women in there not pregnant.  Every single women that walked by had a baby belly.  I hid my face in a magazine for the entire hour as to not get discouraged.


Anyways, when the doctor finally came in he asked if I was ready for my fluid ultrasound.  I was confused and told him i didn't think that was what I was there for.  He reminded me that the week before he thought he saw a polyp in my uterus( because the lining was so thick, and there was a small mass in the middle).  I didn't think it was a polyp because I tend to have very heavy periods with clotting.  Anyways I told him I had started my period( very late) and that I thought we should just try the normal ultrasound first and see what everything looked like.  He agreed and was pleasantly surprised with what he found.

My uterus had thinned out and was 12mm.  There was no polyp and no mass inside of it either.  I think the doctor was surprised, but I wasn't.

Follicle Count
I had 12 follicles on the right ovary and 10 on the left!!!!!!! Thank God. I was so excited.  Last time he told me between 12 and 15( although like I said before he was really rushing).  I have been praying for over 20 eggs at retrieval, so having 22+ follicles was extremely exciting!!! 

I have been feeling all those follicles growing the past couple of days.  I am sure the Menupor and Follistim are aiding in these sharp pains.  I feel pressure and my whole abdominal area is tender!  I'm getting super excited!

Injections
Tonight I have to do Follistim and Menupor, one after the other.  My goal is to not spill any of the Menupor on the table, it's expensive :)

Monday I have another ultrasound and E2, but this time it will actually be with Dr. Ahlering because he will be in town for mine and others cycles. 

Trigger Time
The countdown is on, I should be triggered by this Thursday or Friday and my egg retrieval will then be 2 days later! Yay!

Menupor Injection

As I was laying in bed this morning this whole IVF thing became a reality to me.  I am actually going through with this, giving myself shots, taking pills, resting up, eating healthy and drinking obscene amounts of H2O!  For whatever reason it hadn't truly hit me until today.

Anyways, along with my Lupron 5iu this morning, prenatal pill, Dexamethasone ( to fight infections) and my Follistim this evening i added my Menupor shot !  WOOO, just typing all that was a lot, think about what I feel like inside :)

Injections:
Menupor and Progesterone shots were the ones that "scared" me the most from what I have read online and on several discussion boards.  The Progesterone shots wont start until after the retrieval and possibly the transfer, so I have a little time to mentally prepare myself and Roger for that lovely moment.

Menupor is a tricky shot to get ready( well for first timers like myself).  You have to follow the steps very carefully or you might lose a small amount of the very expensive medication on your table(Uh Umm).  Anywho, it literally took me 25 minutes to prepare everything and double and triple check that I had mixed the dilutant and Menupor together correctly.  Once I had made up my mind that I had, I jabbed it into my belly and watched all the FSH enter my body.

Side Effects Thus Far:
What am I feeling now you might ask?  Well first off , it did sting , but come on, I didn't find it any worse than the other shots so far to be honest.  I am feeling a bit of cramping and back pain and I did have a hot flash after I did the shot.  But in all fairness I have been having several hot flashes a day( ask Roger, the house is a cool 70 degrees :) ).  Other than those anticipated side affects nothing else to report as of late.

Friday:
Tomorrow is the ultrasound to count follicles and check my lining.  I should add that I did start to have my period today, very late.  Nurse said it was okay and that they would see how the lining looked tomorrow.

Encouragement:
Something to encourage myself and others on this journey is a note that was written on the nurses whiteboard where I get my blood drawn. "Gods timing is perfect, He is never late."  This was the first thing I saw after our baseline last week when I was SUPER frustrated that my period hadn't come yet and my uterine lining was to thick.

Gods timing is perfect. That's is the thought I will dwell on as we proceed into the next couple of weeks!

Follistim Side Effects

WOW, Follistim seems strrong to me.  My Monday and Tuesday dose was 225IU which is high ( well to me anyways).  Monday night I layed in bed and felt like an insomniac( not fun!).  My legs were tingly and I felt physcially exhausted.  Last night was not as bad but I still felt so tired .  On the positive side I did not bruise because I  did the shot in my upper thigh instead of my tummy.  I need to give my tummy a break from shots its covered in needle holes from the past couple of weeks!
From what I have read the side effects of  Follistim are less than Gonal F, so I am thankful I chose Follistim over Gonal.

Friday is another ultrasound to check AFC ( Antrial Follicle Count) and to check my lining!  More on Friday :)

Here is a picture of my Calendar for the month.  I will continue with the same shots and pills into the week next week and until I am ready to trigger ( HCG shot) later in the week.

 

 

Starting Stims -Follistim Injections Begin!!!

Today I went in for a blood draw because sadly my period never came.  After 4 days of waiting and stressing it never came. AHHHHHH.  How could this happen?

Anyway, my E2 came back as 62, which falls in the good level of 50-75 to start Stims.

Mary called and gave me the go ahead to start tonight!  She said the uterine lining will thin out and since my level was okay they felt good to continue with the process! Insert very large sigh of relief from both of us!:)

I was a little leery about this injection thinking it was going to be more painful than the Lupron.  Below is a video showing how to give the Follistim Injection:

Follistim Pen Injection

Here is my belly after the first injection.  You can see the bruising from my last few shots.  The Follistim  shot is the bruise to the left of my belly button.  The other bruise is from a bad Lupron shot the other day!!! Though the Follistim hurt Roger sat by my side encouraging me and making me laugh! We are believing all the pain will all be worth it :)

First Baseline Ultrasound and Estradiol Levels..How many follicles we talking :)???

Today was our first ultrasound to count follicles and see what we are working with for our cycle!  The more follicles the better in IVF.  We want several follicles which will produce several healthy eggs for retrieval!!

We left disappointed for two reasons.  One was that since my period never came( which can be okay during IVF) because of the Lupron and the Birth Control, my uterine lining was a little thick.  Also though it is really good I was disappointed in the AFC( Antrial Follicle Count) we had about 15. Though the doctor was rushing and did the ultrasound in about 30 seconds, I am really hoping the number goes up by our next ultrasound!

Later today my nurse Mary called and let me know that my Estradiol level was 117, which is quite high for CD3( Cycle Day 3).  they like it to be between 50-75.  She said that both the thick lining and the high E2 level were because I had not gotten a period.  They were not concerned and told me they hoped my period would come by Monday June 10th, because that is when I am supposed to start Stims!

I felt so frustrated and have been fighting off negative thoughts all night.  Hoping for my period( for like the first time in 3 years) to come soon.

Here is a pic of my uterus and ovaries!!!  The dark circles are my follicles ( we want lots and lots of those).