Monday, June 22, 2015

Sometimes Our Plans Change...

Its hard to believe that my last post was written a year ago.  My apologies for my temporary hiatus.  After our third IVF fail I went into a dark place for a long time.  I had no motivation to write anything other than why me?  However, over the course of a year a lot has happened and has brought me to a much better place mentally, physically, and emotional as a whole.

We had decided to take a break after our last fail in June where we had transferred our last 2 'normal' and 'balanced' embryos which did not implant correctly.  We were physically, mentally, and emotionally drained.  So much money spent and still no baby on the way or in our arms.

I began teaching 4th grade in mid-September and was under a huge amount of stress with the various issues that I had in my classroom.  My stress level was not conducive to anyone let alone an infertile wanting so badly to conceive. We waited until February to get me the insurance that would allow for IVF coverage in Illinois. I began to see a new RE who seemed all about testing me and really getting to the bottom of what was causing our failures and just lack my of becoming pregnant in general.

In mid-April I went in for 20 different blood tests (you name it, we've been tested for it at this point), and I took a Glucose test to rule out diabetes etc. Everything came back excellent except for the MTHFR gene mutation. Though this is not a HUGE issue, couple the problem with having a balanced translocation and you have an increased risk for miscarriage, blood clots, preeclampsia etc.  Basically we learned that my body does not process FOLIC ACID.  All this time Im shoving additional folic acid pills down my trap thinking it was helping, yet I was wrong.

My new doctor created an IVF protocol adding Lovenox and baby Aspirin as well as special prenatal and B6 vitamins. I was hesitant to start another round thinking I could not possibly handle more failure, loss, disappointment etc. 

But plans change sometimes. About a week after being diagnosed with MTHFR and getting a plan in place for our next round of IVF I ended up in the emergency room. I was lightheaded, my heart was pounding, I was seeing spots and sparks and feeling exhausted.  I was admitted right away and told that my heart arrhythmia was happening every other beat.  Basically my pulse was 35.  A normal persons pulse who is in shape and healthy is between 60-100BPM. I was really struggling and was told I would need surgery the next day (either to have a pace maker or what's called Ablation). We spent the night researching and making sense of everything and in the AM decided that the Ablation would be a good thing and would help me to feel better.

This is where everything gets CRAZY. The next morning I ate my broth and watched HGTV all morning waiting for my instructions and for my afternoon heart surgery.  The doctor finally came in and told me they were having technical difficulties with their machine that performs the ablation and that they would have to put it off possibly until the next day or later.  I was able to eat real food and rest as Roger sat next to me through the night once again.

The next day came and once again I was told that the surgery would not be able to be performed because the technical difficulties ( which might I add only happen once every 10 years) were not fixed.  The doctor believed I would be OK  waiting and gave me some natural remedies to deal with all of the symptoms until my surgery which was now scheduled for May 7th.

I went home for a few days, nearly passing out or falling over from walking up and down  stairs, falling asleep at 7pm every night and drinking tons and tons of Gatorade.  On Monday we went back to the ER because my symptoms had worsened.  We hoped that this would get me into the surgery quicker.  However,  they admitted me and tried me on several different Beta Blockers ( which do not work on me). Over the next 3 nights I spent my time barely being able to get out of bed because I was so lightheaded and dizzy from my extremely low blood pressure and heart arrhythmia.  I literally spent 3 nights in the Cardiac Intensive Care unit with 70+ year olds and they still were not able to move my surgery up.

Hospital food at its finest


Roger and I felt completely deflated. No surgery, continued symptoms, medicine that was counterproductive and a postponed IVF. I was discharged and told to be back in 2 weeks for my surgery.  I wore compression socks, drank Gatorade and slept a lot. I did return to work because I had no more sick days and didn't want to get fired. I struggled through 2 weeks in hopes that the surgery would be the fix.

On May 6th, 2015 I received the long awaited call with instructions for the surgery.  She let me know time to arrive, what to wear and what to expect.  She also told me that I would have to take a urine pregnancy test before the surgery as they cannot sedate someone newly pregnant.  Anyone who has gone through infertility knows that those stupid tests are like the nail in the coffin, it hurts to see a negative no matter how many times you pee on a stick. Whose with me?

I was headed home when I got the call but decided to pick up dinner for Roger and I and while I was at it I figured I would save myself the pain of dealing with it in front of the people tomorrow and pick up a pregnancy test today. 

Target has been my place to purchase pregnancy tests for up words of 5 years.  I purchased my test and decided to get it over with in the bathroom there.  No need to get Rogers hopes up at home.  I went in and did my business and this is what I saw:
 
It looked much darker and less blurry when I did it.  But there it was a surprise miracle positive pregnancy test right there before my eyes in the Target bathroom.
 
I grabbed Rogers burrito from Chipotle and tried to think through the complete shock to figure out a way to share this AMAZING news with Roger.  For years I had waited to share a complete surprise with the one person who stood by me whole heartedly thru 5 years of Hell.  In my quick thinking and total numbness with my new found surprise I decided wrapping the positive test in the burrito was definitely the way to go.
 
When I got home I pulled out the burrito and put it down in front of Roger and said " This better be the best burrito you ever had."  He laughed, unwrapped his dinner and found the surprise of a lifetime.  We cried and hugged and starred straight ahead wondering how this had happened to us.
 
The next day I called and let the surgeon know I was pregnant.  My surgery is postponed until after pregnancy and  I will follow up every month during pregnancy going forward. 
 
Beta 1: 4 Weeks 4 Days ( day after I got a BFP): 1917
Progesterone : 26
Beta 2: 5 Weeks 1 Day: 5701
Progesterone: 56
 
Clear Blue 3+ Weeks Indicator ( got this result  at 5 weeks 3 days pregnant)



 
I also want to add that I wake up every morning realizing this is real, checking and rechecking my symptoms, watching and rewatching our ultrasound videos and continually having to reassure myself that this time is different.  5 years, 4 miscarriages, 3 failed IVF transfers with PGD tested embryos and a very slim chance of a healthy pregnancy without IVF because of the balanced translocation.
 
I feel so excited and humbled to share this with the blogging world.  I never thought this day would come for us.  I know that reading these posts can be really difficult for those still struggling through this horrible journey, I hope that this will give you hope that miracles do happen.
 
I have struggled to open up about this whole pregnancy and have kept everything to myself and my family.  But today I am 11 weeks 1 day and everyday it gets easier to share and believe it is a going to be ok.
 
More posts to come to share photos, ultrasound updates and symptoms from the past several weeks.
 


 
Thanks for being a part of our journey.




Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Return to Zero...Again



Although I wrote a post about our most recent transfer, I put it up then took it down again.  I didn't want to talk about it, until now.

My last post ended with symptoms I was having, and rightly so.  I received a positive pregnancy test on 4dp5dt.  It was very faint, but it was there.  I decided that was it and I wouldn't drive myself crazy testing again.  We left for Florida  for my sisters wedding and had a lot of fun.  I didn't test anymore just waited and hoped for a miracle on our beta day. 

Our miracle did not come though, our blood test came back negative.  This time something must have happened right after it started.  I was not pregnant anymore.  So for 3 days max I had those healthy babies growing in me, and then for some reason they stopped, again.  It was 2 sweet boys, we knew because of the PGD testing.  Two precious little boys.

To add to this horror our follow up was hardly comforting.  The doctor seemed almost defensive at me because I have been researching and trying to figure out what might be happening, what could we do differently, why was this happening over and over again?  Honestly, wouldn't any couple in our shoes be devastated, concerned and disappointed?  The doctor told me he wants to try again, on the same protocol , same everything.  Really?  I have had 4 miscarriages without IVF and 3 transfers resulting in negative or more loss and you want to do EVERYTHING the same?  I am looking into other doctors and second opinions but I don't have much confidence in anyone or anything right now, not even God.

I have no words to even begin to describe this heartache.  Only those who have experienced loss understand.  I haven't felt myself in weeks, months and now 4 1/2 years.  I am not even the same person I was before our first loss in January of 2010.

Though our stories are different I felt so much of a connection with this movie...Return to Zero.  It is a Lifetime movie, but it is well done and definitely portrays the devastation and brokenness that goes along with losing a child.  Check it out and let me know what you think. 

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

May FET

Fast foreword 8 weeks since our last loss and I am in the wait after  our second FET transfer( 3rd transfer overall).  The dreaded wait.  Symptom spotting online, on blogs, forums and Instagram.  Here I am again, hoping and believing for a better outcome.  A healthy baby(ies).  A non complicated, fun, healthy pregnancy.

Our FET Transfer May 30th, 2014
 Here is a list of symptoms I am feeling thus far for those, like myself, searching the web during their wait!

Transfer Day:  mild cramping from the transfer( catheter etc).  Ate lunch out with Roger and then home to rest and watch Lost all day!  No other symptoms to note today.

1dp5dt ( 1 Day Past 5 Day Transfer) : cramping started in the afternoon, lower back pain, noticed a few pinches and pulls, very tired( on a lot of progesterone though), very emotional.  Rested all day again.

2dp5dt: strong cramps, lower back pain, felt a few twinges in uterus, extremely tired, rested all day.

3dp5dt: Woke up wide awake at 5AM, boobs so sore I couldn't lay on my side, lower back pain, cramping, dizzy and tired in afternoon.

4dp5dt: sore boobs near armpit, cramping, lower back pain, stomach feeling full

Today is 4dp5dt so that's where I will stop for this afternoon.  I will say that it is SO hard to not google every symptom etc to compare to others.  I have also been trying to compare our last FET to this one and see if I have similar symptoms on similar days.  I feel a bit crazy today.  I am sure others can relate to this horrible wait, especially those who have faced failure and disappointment several times before, like us.

Here's to holding on to hope, faith and positive thoughts going foreword.

P.S.- I am not testing early this time, at least not this early.  It is such a mental game and I cant do that to myself again.

Our sweet, beautiful babies!!


April FET

So for most of my readers (friends, family, acquaintances, anonymous) you know that my last transfer April 3rd ended in a chemical pregnancy( early miscarriage).  There was no reason or explanation given, because really there was no reason it didn't end well.  The babies( a boy and girl) tested normal and healthy, obviously implanted because I had several positive pregnancy tests( posted below) accompanied by symptoms I have waited years to feel again.  But, I digress, it ended in 2 very low betas and a long week of waiting to naturally miscarry...again.
Our Positive Pregnancy Test 6dp5dt April FET

But for those of you who know me well, you know that though I may threaten to give up, it is not in my nature.  I am by nature a go getter, an overachiever.  We decided to start over with another FET immediately after I miscarried. 


So since I "gave up" my blog for the past few months, feeling deflated, angry, heart broken and discouraged.  Feeling that my story has always ended in failure I figured I would at least fill my readers in as to why I disappeared with no updates, wheather good or bad.


Here I am.   I am ready to open up again, in hopes that my story can have a happy ending.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Acupuncture and PIO Shots!!

Saturday I went in for my first ever acupuncture session.  After an initial consultation I took off my shoes and hopped up on the amazing warmed table.  The doctor put several needles in my lower and middle back and one in each of my ankles or feet ( hard to tell which it was as I was on my stomach face down.



Acupuncture Needles


How did it go?

Well at first I started to feel like I was floating ( hard to explain and very strange).  After that I literally zonked out and slept for the remaining 30 minutes.  It was glorious.  I never fall asleep that quickly.  It was peaceful and extremely relaxing.  I didn't want to leave the serene room once the nurse came in to pull the needles out.  Also, much like when you get a massage I woke up with a very dry throat, I must have released toxins too!

I go again tomorrow afternoon for another session, this time on my abdomen.  I am excited and so ready for Thursday!


In other news.  I had another blood draw today to check my progesterone and estradiol.  My progesterone was apparently a little low.  The nurse said its because my body is medicated and isn't producing it naturally on its own.  Any progesterone in my body is from the Endometrin suppositories.  However since they want as perfect as an environment for transfer they also added the awful PIO ( progesterone in oil) shot!  I will now add that to my regimen for the next weeks or months.


Icing before and after the PIO shot!

Firstly, if you have to do this shot I recommend not looking at how big the needles is for to long.  It will scare you and make you hesitate :)  Secondly, put an icepack in your pants for a good 15-20 minutes before doing the shot, it completely numbs it and you don't feel the needle go in!!  In fact, as  I write this I still have the icepack numbing my behind...haha!  It already aches, but that's okay...it will all be worth it!

Thursday at 12:15 our sweet babies will be nestled into their new home!


Love him and his encouragement everyday :)

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Transfer Date is Set!!!!

This morning I went in for my estradiol blood work and a quick ultrasound!

Uterine Lining: 7.34mm ( they like it to be at a minimum of 7-8mm for transfer, so by next Thursday I will be nice and thick!)

Estrogen Level: 124

Just got a message in my inbox saying our transfer is set for next Thursday April 3rd!!!!

We are beyond excited right now :)

Gotta go drink my pomegranate juice....cannot wait for next Thursday!!


Birds nests with eggs are always symbolic to me,
 I love our 4 little babies so much!!

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

One Step Closer to Transfer!!!

Yesterday I went in for my baseline ultrasound.  It was CD2( Cycle Day) of our FET cycle and they were checking to make sure my uterine lining was thin( which it was) and that my ovaries were quiet( no big follicles).  Since I have been on birth control and Lupron everything looked good and quiet and my lining was 4.8

When I spoke with the nurse she said that as soon as the lining reaches 7-8 they will do transfer!  So I am now taking a lower dose of Lupron and Estrogen pills to thicken the lining!  I go back next Tuesday to check progress and will continue on this path for a few weeks or until the uterine lining reaches 7-8. At this point the nurses are saying the first week of April!! I think it will be sooner than they are saying because my lining tends to be on the thicker side naturally. 



I am getting so excited and trying to keep positive.   Roger keeps reminding me that up to this point we have received only good news and that we should just keep thinking positively.  I am definitely feeling different this time around so I hope that means something :)