Return to Zero...Again

Although I wrote a post about our most recent transfer, I put it up then took it down again.  I didn't want to talk about it, until now.

My last post ended with symptoms I was having, and rightly so.  I received a positive pregnancy test on 4dp5dt.  It was very faint, but it was there.  I decided that was it and I wouldn't drive myself crazy testing again.  We left for Florida  for my sisters wedding and had a lot of fun.  I didn't test anymore just waited and hoped for a miracle on our beta day. 

Our miracle did not come though, our blood test came back negative.  This time something must have happened right after it started.  I was not pregnant anymore.  So for 3 days max I had those healthy babies growing in me, and then for some reason they stopped, again.  It was 2 sweet boys, we knew because of the PGD testing.  Two precious little boys.

To add to this horror our follow up was hardly comforting.  The doctor seemed almost defensive at me because I have been researching and trying to figure out what might be happening, what could we do differently, why was this happening over and over again?  Honestly, wouldn't any couple in our shoes be devastated, concerned and disappointed?  The doctor told me he wants to try again, on the same protocol , same everything.  Really?  I have had 4 miscarriages without IVF and 3 transfers resulting in negative or more loss and you want to do EVERYTHING the same?  I am looking into other doctors and second opinions but I don't have much confidence in anyone or anything right now, not even God.

I have no words to even begin to describe this heartache.  Only those who have experienced loss understand.  I haven't felt myself in weeks, months and now 4 1/2 years.  I am not even the same person I was before our first loss in January of 2010.

Though our stories are different I felt so much of a connection with this movie...Return to Zero.  It is a Lifetime movie, but it is well done and definitely portrays the devastation and brokenness that goes along with losing a child.  Check it out and let me know what you think. 

May FET

Fast foreword 8 weeks since our last loss and I am in the wait after  our second FET transfer( 3rd transfer overall).  The dreaded wait.  Symptom spotting online, on blogs, forums and Instagram.  Here I am again, hoping and believing for a better outcome.  A healthy baby(ies).  A non complicated, fun, healthy pregnancy.

Our FET Transfer May 30th, 2014

 Here is a list of symptoms I am feeling thus far for those, like myself, searching the web during their wait!

Transfer Day:  mild cramping from the transfer( catheter etc).  Ate lunch out with Roger and then home to rest and watch Lost all day!  No other symptoms to note today.

1dp5dt ( 1 Day Past 5 Day Transfer) : cramping started in the afternoon, lower back pain, noticed a few pinches and pulls, very tired( on a lot of progesterone though), very emotional.  Rested all day again.

2dp5dt: strong cramps, lower back pain, felt a few twinges in uterus, extremely tired, rested all day.

3dp5dt: Woke up wide awake at 5AM, boobs so sore I couldn't lay on my side, lower back pain, cramping, dizzy and tired in afternoon.

4dp5dt: sore boobs near armpit, cramping, lower back pain, stomach feeling full

Today is 4dp5dt so that's where I will stop for this afternoon.  I will say that it is SO hard to not google every symptom etc to compare to others.  I have also been trying to compare our last FET to this one and see if I have similar symptoms on similar days.  I feel a bit crazy today.  I am sure others can relate to this horrible wait, especially those who have faced failure and disappointment several times before, like us.

Here's to holding on to hope, faith and positive thoughts going foreword.

P.S.- I am not testing early this time, at least not this early.  It is such a mental game and I cant do that to myself again.

Our sweet, beautiful babies!!

April FET

So for most of my readers (friends, family, acquaintances, anonymous) you know that my last transfer April 3rd ended in a chemical pregnancy( early miscarriage).  There was no reason or explanation given, because really there was no reason it didn't end well.  The babies( a boy and girl) tested normal and healthy, obviously implanted because I had several positive pregnancy tests( posted below) accompanied by symptoms I have waited years to feel again.  But, I digress, it ended in 2 very low betas and a long week of waiting to naturally miscarry...again.

Our Positive Pregnancy Test 6dp5dt April FET

But for those of you who know me well, you know that though I may threaten to give up, it is not in my nature.  I am by nature a go getter, an overachiever.  We decided to start over with another FET immediately after I miscarried. 

So since I "gave up" my blog for the past few months, feeling deflated, angry, heart broken and discouraged.  Feeling that my story has always ended in failure I figured I would at least fill my readers in as to why I disappeared with no updates, wheather good or bad.


Here I am.   I am ready to open up again, in hopes that my story can have a happy ending.

Acupuncture and PIO Shots!!

Saturday I went in for my first ever acupuncture session.  After an initial consultation I took off my shoes and hopped up on the amazing warmed table.  The doctor put several needles in my lower and middle back and one in each of my ankles or feet ( hard to tell which it was as I was on my stomach face down.

Acupuncture Needles

How did it go?

Well at first I started to feel like I was floating ( hard to explain and very strange).  After that I literally zonked out and slept for the remaining 30 minutes.  It was glorious.  I never fall asleep that quickly.  It was peaceful and extremely relaxing.  I didn't want to leave the serene room once the nurse came in to pull the needles out.  Also, much like when you get a massage I woke up with a very dry throat, I must have released toxins too!

I go again tomorrow afternoon for another session, this time on my abdomen.  I am excited and so ready for Thursday!


In other news.  I had another blood draw today to check my progesterone and estradiol.  My progesterone was apparently a little low.  The nurse said its because my body is medicated and isn't producing it naturally on its own.  Any progesterone in my body is from the Endometrin suppositories.  However since they want as perfect as an environment for transfer they also added the awful PIO ( progesterone in oil) shot!  I will now add that to my regimen for the next weeks or months.

Icing before and after the PIO shot!

Firstly, if you have to do this shot I recommend not looking at how big the needles is for to long.  It will scare you and make you hesitate :)  Secondly, put an icepack in your pants for a good 15-20 minutes before doing the shot, it completely numbs it and you don't feel the needle go in!!  In fact, as  I write this I still have the icepack numbing my behind...haha!  It already aches, but that's okay...it will all be worth it!

Thursday at 12:15 our sweet babies will be nestled into their new home!



Love him and his encouragement everyday :)

Transfer Date is Set!!!!

This morning I went in for my estradiol blood work and a quick ultrasound!

Uterine Lining: 7.34mm ( they like it to be at a minimum of 7-8mm for transfer, so by next Thursday I will be nice and thick!)

Estrogen Level: 124

Just got a message in my inbox saying our transfer is set for next Thursday April 3rd!!!!

We are beyond excited right now :)

Gotta go drink my pomegranate juice....cannot wait for next Thursday!!

Birds nests with eggs are always symbolic to me,
 I love our 4 little babies so much!!

One Step Closer to Transfer!!!

Yesterday I went in for my baseline ultrasound.  It was CD2( Cycle Day) of our FET cycle and they were checking to make sure my uterine lining was thin( which it was) and that my ovaries were quiet( no big follicles).  Since I have been on birth control and Lupron everything looked good and quiet and my lining was 4.8

When I spoke with the nurse she said that as soon as the lining reaches 7-8 they will do transfer!  So I am now taking a lower dose of Lupron and Estrogen pills to thicken the lining!  I go back next Tuesday to check progress and will continue on this path for a few weeks or until the uterine lining reaches 7-8. At this point the nurses are saying the first week of April!! I think it will be sooner than they are saying because my lining tends to be on the thicker side naturally. 

I am getting so excited and trying to keep positive.   Roger keeps reminding me that up to this point we have received only good news and that we should just keep thinking positively.  I am definitely feeling different this time around so I hope that means something :)

PGD Results

Good Morning!

Though this update comes a few days late it is great news and I want to share it non the less.

A picture of an expanded blastocyst- amazing!

After 10 days of waiting for our PGD results.  I finally got a message in my patient portal from the embryologist....

We had originally sent 11 expanded blastocysts to the PGD lab.

A PGD lab checks for firstly unbalanced translocations( which is the cause for my previous miscarriages).  They also check for missing or additional chromosomes and are of course looking for normal/balanced embryos or babies.

Our results were as follows:

5 came back as have unbalanced translocations :( ( our reason for doing IVF in the first place)

2 came back as missing 1 chromosome

and...drum roll please....4 came back as normal/balanced!!!!!!!!!!!

Such amazing news to read and share!

We are SO excited with this number.  I started my Lupron ( to suppress my ovaries) yesterday and I continue to take birth control for a few more days.  Once I get my next period I start Estace ( estrogen- the really fun stuff :) ) then shortly after we will have our transfer.

The embryos will be thawed because they are currently frozen as of now.  Once thawed the doctor will chose 2 of the 4 to transfer!  The remaining 2 will remain frozen until we are ready for our other sweet babies!

7 days later they do a blood test to determine if I am pregnant or not.  We of course are so hopeful for positive results :)

More updates as I get a set transfer date!

Baby Biver Update

First off, thank you to all of you following our journey.  Thank you for writing to me, calling me and checking in on me regularly throughout the past couple weeks!

Today is Day 6 and we got the final call on how many were biopsied( to be sent to RGI in Chicago for PGD testing) and the embryos frozen here in the fertility center.

We have 11 that made it to either expanded blastocyst or even better hatching blastocyst stage and are now frozen.  To put it into perspective for those of you not sure, last round we had 2 reach this stage and 1 of those come back as "normal" or balanced.  To have 11 really helps my confidence that this will be our cycle!

11 frosties as of now :) I love them all!

Now to celebrate and relax until next week (7-10) days when we get the PGD results!

Thank you all for your sweet words of encouragement and love!

Fertilization Report

Yesterday was an amazing day full of anesthesia, apple juice and of course all of my eggs!


Here is the retrieval report and fertilization report that we received this AM!!

Fertilization Report

 

We have 35 embryos growing and developing right now!  I am blown away by the differences in my first IVF and this one.  I feel so thankful today.

 

Grow babies grow!

 

 

More updates as the week goes on!

 

Triggered and Ready for Thursday!!!!

Yesterday morning I went in to the Naperville Fertility Center and had blood drawn and another ultrasound.

Follicle Count:

Right Ovary: 14 measurable and several 16-17mm follicles

Left Ovary: 22 measurable and several 16-17mm follicles

Estrogen Level: 11,875- Can you say off the charts?!?

Got the call yesterday afternoon that I was going to trigger at 7pm last
night :)  They also warned me that I had OHSS ( over stimulated on the meds) and that I should start taking precautions ahead of the retrieval!

Two trigger shots (Lupron and Low Dose HCG done at 7pm!!)

 

I will update tomorrow after retrieval!!

Retrieval in Sight...

Sorry I haven't updated since I started stims(Injections) 10 days ago.  I will update on the past 10 days and get everyone up to speed where we are at today!

I have been stimming for 10 days today!!( I have been in for blood and ultrasound 5 times since I started stimming).  At first this past Wednesday it seemed like not to much was happening, the follicles seemed small and like the stims weren't doing to much yet.  I then started to add 2 more shots.  So total for the past 5 days I have been on Follistim, Ganerilix and Low-Dose HCG.  My tummy is full of shot marks and mini bruises at this point in the process.  Needless to say now there are so many follicles growing that it was hard to get out of bed this AM :)  Thank God!

Low Dose HCG

 

Since I am on a different protocol my meds and doses are different than my first go at IVF.  I feel exhausted, have had headaches, insomnia, and have been nauseous for 5 days.  All of this is most likely a result of the whole combo of strong meds as well as the HCG injections.  I basically feel pregnant which is a strange feeling that I haven't had in a few years.  I have finally been crying again, over anything and everything :)  After the last miscarriage followed by our failed IVF I became very numb and didn't cry about anything.  I felt cold and like my heart was protecting itself from hurting anymore.  But thanks to this wild thing we call IVF meds I am back to crying over Subaru commercials!



Reflecting on the unexpected in life.



All in all, its been a interesting week filled with many emotions!

As of now, I have over 20 follicles and several are close to 15-17mm while several are still in the 13-14mm range.  FYI they like to trigger at around 17-18mm.  The ultrasound tech said today she thinks I will stim one more day then trigger tomorrow.  however, it depends on my estradiol results that will come back this afternoon and what the doctor decides.  So I am either triggering today or most likely tomorrow!  After I trigger it is an exact number of hours ( not exactly sure but something like 38 hours) until our retrieval!!!!

Retrieval will either be Wednesday or Thursday, then the waiting game begins!

Let The Baby Making Commence :)

Today I went in hoping for a much better experience than Tuesday had brought.  After 3 Ganirelix injections and receiving another period( from stopping the birth control) I felt as though something must be going on in my body, and I was right!


Giving myself my unplanned injections....

Todays Update:

My uterine lining went from 10 to 3 (which is great news).

Today she could locate and measure both ovaries...woohoo!!  I Have about 6-10 in each ovary at this point.  Once I start stimms I will probably show even more!

Greatest news came about 30 minutes ago.  I checked into my patient portal and saw that my lab results had come back in. 

My estradiol(Estrogen) had dropped....



Some of my meds that arrived yesterday!

I get to start stimms tomorrow and start making our babies!

 

"Weeping may stay for the night,
    but joy comes in the morning."

Psalm 30:5

 

 

Thank you God for good news!

Before Starting Injections...

On Tuesday( yesterday) I headed into the Fertility center with Roger at 6AM.  We got the early appointment so that Roger could get out to work close to on time!

Ultrasound:

The nurse said my uterus was way to thick.  She kept commenting on how thick it was.  (Note:  this has been told to me countless times before, I think I just have a naturally thicker lining than most :).  I tried to not get to disheartened and waited for her follicle count. 

Funny thing is...SHE  COULD NOT FIND MY OVARIES...seriously?  She was moving the wand all over and kept saying " can't find em"  I seriously almost karate chopped her from the stirrups.

They told me my estradiol level( or E2) was likely going to be high( too high) because of my thick lining but that I would find out that afternoon if I could proceed this cycle and start everything as planned.

Naturally we drove home in silence, as we have several times before, in shock that this to may not work.  I didn't even make it up the stairs before sitting down halfway and sobbing while Roger  told me" everything will be okay".  This time however I wasn't buying it, I felt so angry and frustrated.  I told him I wanted to give up, I was done.

After hiding under my comforter for a while and Roger leaving for his long drive to the office I came to and realized I was not ready to give up and look into adoption.  I was not ready to throw in the towel or surrender.  I still have some fight in me, even if it is just a little.

Later that afternoon I received a call saying my estradiol came back at 118.  It needs to be below 50 to start injections Saturday.  They think that the birth control wasn't doing its job ( to suppress my ovaries) and that I needed to start injections of Ganirelix that night.  I drove to the office and picked up the shots came home and stuck myself.

Now its a waiting game until Friday.  Friday I will go in and do another blood draw and have another ultrasound to see how everything is going.  If my level comes back as below 50 I can start injections on Saturday.  If not, this cycle is over and I have to wait another month and start all over. 

Hoping for the best.

Baseline Ultrasound and Cycle Day 3 Hormone Check-- IVF # 2 Here We Come!!!

YES!  Today I went in for my baseline ultrasound to look at my uterus and to do our AFC(counting how many follicles I had).

Firstly, I love this fertility center.  It is so quiet, peaceful and comforting.  It is completely designed for couples just like us.  Children are not allowed in the building which for those of you who struggle with infertility you know how hard it is to sit in a waiting room staring at other babies and kids while you struggle and wait for your own.  The atmosphere is more like being in a spa than in a doctors office!

I got my blood drawn.  They did LH, FSH , and Estradiol.  Plus they did a whole CBC panel.

Follicle Count Time:

The nurse said my uterus looked great and there were no cysts etc! 

*My right ovary had between 6-10 follicles.

*My left ovary showed 15+( she stopped counting after 15).  My left ovary is apparently much bigger than my right :)

Just a few minutes ago I received a message to check my patient portal online. ( I love this because it lists all my appointments, messages, lab results and consents.  I really appreciate organization and finding out results quickly!)  My lab results were posted and all my levels came back good! 

I had a message saying to start my birth control pills today!!!!

I go for a mini lesson on injections tomorrow and find out my dosages etc. I will take.

I start injections February 1st!

My hope has been renewed.  Believing this will work!

 "I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him" 1 Samuel 1:27–28

Consultation for IVF # 2

I feel like I need to back a few steps up and explain how our consultation went and what we decided for our second cycle.

On January 14th Roger and I went in and met Dr. Morris for the first time.  I have read great things about him and seen his very high success rates so I was feeling OK about giving this all a go again because we had a new doctor.

Dr. Morris got right down to it and started to tell me what he would do differently, how my protocol would be almost polar opposite to my first IVF and how he was confident we would get more than 1 normal embryo after the PGD testing.

As we listened to him and he showed us visuals as well as studies with cases very similar to ours we both began to feel more at ease.  When I had the chance and he asked what questions I had I spilled out all the questions I have had since last July when our IVF failed.

Dr. Morris see's others with balanced translocation 1-2 a month over other specialists who see it once or twice a year...this is a HUGE difference and very important to me. Dr. Morris tests day 5 embyros then freezes them immediately after if they are normal and tested as balanced.This means, after my retrieval I will know withen a week how many came back normal and how many are freezing for our next month cycle.

This cycle will be different in that I will NOT have a 5 day transfer.  I will have my retrieval , recover from my huge ovaries then get my period again.  Once my period comes I will start Lupron for a few weeks then we will transfer our healthy embyros!!!!  I will have a less "hostile" environment as Dr. Morris put it because I wont be coming down from all of the injections and hormones.

This was all very good news.  We left feeling confident and hopeful to soon have a positive pregnancy test, hearing the heartbeat for the first time and watching my bump grow bigger every week :)