Transfer and Sadness

I write this with such a broken heart.  Our PGD results came back that 1 of 10 was normal.  We were ecstatic that  at least one was normal.  My transfer was set for last Thursday at 2:30 right after we got the results.  We found out that she was a little girl and that she was an excellent hatching blast.  The doctors and nurse were excited for us with how promising she looked.

After the transfer we went to a hotel so I could just lay out for 24 hours straight.  Roger was so sweet and made sure I had plenty to eat :)

The following few days I started noticing symptoms above and beyond the Progesterone symptoms.  However on Tuesday I woke up and felt different.  I was 5dp6dt and decided to take a pregnancy test.  It came back negative.  I immediately began googling and discovered it was to early in many cases for the test to show positive.  The next morning ( this past Wednesday) was my first beta at 6dp5dt.  I woke up and took another test, still negative.  I felt in shock and so angry.  I did not give up hope though believing that this was going to work.

On Thursday July 4th our 5th wedding anniversary I got a call from Mary, my nurse.  She said my first beta came back extremely low( meaning my HCG was not even registering).  We cried all afternoon but continued to hope that Fridays would show some HCG and all would be okay.

We are not uneducated to  the reality of pregnancies, HCG or miscarriages, we have gone through this so many times before.  This however hurt and continues to sit in my heart.  On Friday July 5th Mary called me late afternoon and said the HCG had dropped lower and that the IVF had failed. Everything we went through to this point, all the waiting and praying and begging, the miracle baby girl, it all had failed.  I don't even know how to move on at this point, or what to do next, I feel stuck in this process and so emotionally wrapped up in the past month and really the past 3+ years of sadness and waiting.

I just hope that my blog title comes true for us soon, I am exhausted and so broken right now.