Return to Zero...Again

Although I wrote a post about our most recent transfer, I put it up then took it down again.  I didn't want to talk about it, until now.

My last post ended with symptoms I was having, and rightly so.  I received a positive pregnancy test on 4dp5dt.  It was very faint, but it was there.  I decided that was it and I wouldn't drive myself crazy testing again.  We left for Florida  for my sisters wedding and had a lot of fun.  I didn't test anymore just waited and hoped for a miracle on our beta day. 

Our miracle did not come though, our blood test came back negative.  This time something must have happened right after it started.  I was not pregnant anymore.  So for 3 days max I had those healthy babies growing in me, and then for some reason they stopped, again.  It was 2 sweet boys, we knew because of the PGD testing.  Two precious little boys.

To add to this horror our follow up was hardly comforting.  The doctor seemed almost defensive at me because I have been researching and trying to figure out what might be happening, what could we do differently, why was this happening over and over again?  Honestly, wouldn't any couple in our shoes be devastated, concerned and disappointed?  The doctor told me he wants to try again, on the same protocol , same everything.  Really?  I have had 4 miscarriages without IVF and 3 transfers resulting in negative or more loss and you want to do EVERYTHING the same?  I am looking into other doctors and second opinions but I don't have much confidence in anyone or anything right now, not even God.

I have no words to even begin to describe this heartache.  Only those who have experienced loss understand.  I haven't felt myself in weeks, months and now 4 1/2 years.  I am not even the same person I was before our first loss in January of 2010.

Though our stories are different I felt so much of a connection with this movie...Return to Zero.  It is a Lifetime movie, but it is well done and definitely portrays the devastation and brokenness that goes along with losing a child.  Check it out and let me know what you think. 

May FET

Fast foreword 8 weeks since our last loss and I am in the wait after  our second FET transfer( 3rd transfer overall).  The dreaded wait.  Symptom spotting online, on blogs, forums and Instagram.  Here I am again, hoping and believing for a better outcome.  A healthy baby(ies).  A non complicated, fun, healthy pregnancy.

Our FET Transfer May 30th, 2014

 Here is a list of symptoms I am feeling thus far for those, like myself, searching the web during their wait!

Transfer Day:  mild cramping from the transfer( catheter etc).  Ate lunch out with Roger and then home to rest and watch Lost all day!  No other symptoms to note today.

1dp5dt ( 1 Day Past 5 Day Transfer) : cramping started in the afternoon, lower back pain, noticed a few pinches and pulls, very tired( on a lot of progesterone though), very emotional.  Rested all day again.

2dp5dt: strong cramps, lower back pain, felt a few twinges in uterus, extremely tired, rested all day.

3dp5dt: Woke up wide awake at 5AM, boobs so sore I couldn't lay on my side, lower back pain, cramping, dizzy and tired in afternoon.

4dp5dt: sore boobs near armpit, cramping, lower back pain, stomach feeling full

Today is 4dp5dt so that's where I will stop for this afternoon.  I will say that it is SO hard to not google every symptom etc to compare to others.  I have also been trying to compare our last FET to this one and see if I have similar symptoms on similar days.  I feel a bit crazy today.  I am sure others can relate to this horrible wait, especially those who have faced failure and disappointment several times before, like us.

Here's to holding on to hope, faith and positive thoughts going foreword.

P.S.- I am not testing early this time, at least not this early.  It is such a mental game and I cant do that to myself again.

Our sweet, beautiful babies!!

April FET

So for most of my readers (friends, family, acquaintances, anonymous) you know that my last transfer April 3rd ended in a chemical pregnancy( early miscarriage).  There was no reason or explanation given, because really there was no reason it didn't end well.  The babies( a boy and girl) tested normal and healthy, obviously implanted because I had several positive pregnancy tests( posted below) accompanied by symptoms I have waited years to feel again.  But, I digress, it ended in 2 very low betas and a long week of waiting to naturally miscarry...again.

Our Positive Pregnancy Test 6dp5dt April FET

But for those of you who know me well, you know that though I may threaten to give up, it is not in my nature.  I am by nature a go getter, an overachiever.  We decided to start over with another FET immediately after I miscarried. 

So since I "gave up" my blog for the past few months, feeling deflated, angry, heart broken and discouraged.  Feeling that my story has always ended in failure I figured I would at least fill my readers in as to why I disappeared with no updates, wheather good or bad.


Here I am.   I am ready to open up again, in hopes that my story can have a happy ending.