What I Have Waited For....

For the past three years it has been difficult to express to people what I feel in regards to losing our children.  Many people do not understand or see it as a big deal.  They do not understand the pain or the sadness that can sometimes be gripping.  Several times in the past couple years I have gone through the stages of grieving. 

I am sure other infertiles can relate to feeling alone and to crying out to God for help and comfort and for the baby inside of them to keep growing and be a miracle against all odds.  Sadly, in our case our babies did not survive and I miscarried all 4 of them( 3 with ER stays and 1 at home).  Most people who know me have no idea what we have gone through, unless I have opened up and shared our story with you. 

Anyways, I write all this to say our journey has been exhausting and I feel like its time to open up and let others know that I understand, I relate to your pain, I understand your tears and I have probably felt similar to what you feel in the past 3 years as your walk your journey.

Getting back to the title of the post" What I have waited for"... I thought I would share some of the daydreams I have held onto through this all.

 I imagine waking up early in the AM and going into the babies room to marvel at the miracle we were given.  I dream of sitting in my rocker next to the window and singing the sweet baby back to sleep as i fight dosing off myself.  I imagine chasing them around our house as they learn to crawl and walk.  I picture Roger ( with his huge manly muscles) snuggling our little baby at night as we discuss how sweet it is to finally have our baby(babies) that we have waited so long to hold. I have waited to be able to pack the baby into a cute little jogging stroller and go out for a run on a nice spring day.  I want to teach it to be kind and gentle to animals and enjoy being licked in the face by a big dog.  I want to look into the rear view mirror and see a sweet smiley baby looking back at me as we drive to the park( I have looked back so many times to see nothing but seat and have held this thought so long).

As I write these very personal thoughts I feel encouraged that like so many other women we will have our turn.  We will get to have our announcement, our gender reveal, our baby shower and our first day at home looking at each other like " what do we do now" haha.

Holding onto hope is sometimes all we have.  Keep trusting God and it will come to pass.  God knows our desires, He pays attention to every detail of our lives and He cares for us so deeply.

3 Day Update!!

We waited all day yesterday for our 3 day update.  I literally opened my eyes and the first thing I thought was about how all our embryos were developing.  We had 11 fertilize and our hope was that we would have several healthy embryos for biopsy.  After a very long day and dealing with our nerves I finally heard from Mary.

Here is what she said:

* The Dr biopsied 10 of the 11 fertilized.  That means that those 10 were on target at day 3( between 7-9 cells) and were growing very nicely!!!!  One cell from each of the embryos was sent off to Reprogenetics overnight.

As I write this they are being genetically (PGD) tested in NJ as the embryos continue to grow and develop here in Tulsa.

We will hear late tonight or first thing in the morning about the results ( day 5) and then discuss when my transfer will be, either tomorrow afternoon or Friday( Day 6 transfer).  I am trying to be active today since I will be layed up over the next few days.

After the retrieval it is complete bedrest for 24 hours, but in talking to other IVFers I have decided 2-3 days of bed rest is even better.  I want those sweet little embryos to nestle in and implant!!!

A few days ago I joined the Yahoo balanced translocation group.  It is an awesome way to talk with others who have/are going through similar things as us.  Usually I feel out of place or just alone when talking about 4 miscarriages, grief, frustration etc. with fertility.  This board has over a thousand members who can all relate to me.  Its really comforting.  I wish I found this group 3 years ago.

Movie suggestion:  If you haven't already seen it or even if you have you should watch "Facing the Giants".  I cried through it the other night but really felt like we watched it at the perfect time in this process.  The main message is that "Nothing is impossible with God".  If you really think about those words and not just in a cliche "I've heard that before" sense it is a very powerful message for everyone, especially during stressful, infertile times.

Hoping for the best news ever tomorrow!!!!

Fertilization Report

Well, I had decided I wanted to sleep in until I got the call with our fertilization report.  It was supposed to be between 11-4pm, haha.  Anyways I rolled out of bed at 9:45 and I received a call from Mary.  She told me that of the 14 eggs, 13 were mature and 11 fertilized.  So now we have 11 fertilized embryos growing!!!

Again, not the number we had hope for, but still 11 embryos growing in a dish in a lab( sigh). 

Tomorrow we wont get a call.  I decided that I need to keep myself busy and my mind occupied!  I need to stay positive and hopeful.

Tuesday I will get a call telling me how many they are going to biopsy and send to Reprogenetics in NJ.  Once there they will be checking for abnormalities.  They will create a report and send it to my doctors who will let me know Wednesday night or Thursday AM.  my transfer should be Thursday afternoon or Friday AM.

At this point I feel completely drained.  Tired physically, mentally and emotionally.  I am still SO sore from the retrieval too :( 

Today I am trusting this will all be worth it and believing for healthy/ normal embryos.

Thanks for reading :)

Egg Retrieval....Not what we Expected

Today we had our retrieval.  To say the least it was not what we expected.  We arrived at 8 as we were told and were quickly taken back to a room.  The nurse came in and went over our new calendar that will take us up until next Friday ( my second beta to determine pregnancy).

Roger and I hung out until they had me get changed and led me to my surgery room.  It all happened so quickly, I was knocked out, they took out the eggs and then i was woken up like 30 minutes later.  All in all we left by 10 AM.

So next comes the disappointing and discouraging news.  They only retrieved 14 eggs.  The first thing I asked when I woke up was "how many eggs did you get"?  When the nurse told me I almost started crying.  Roger was right there telling me it was a good number and that it was okay.  I kept repeating the number over and over. 

How could this happen with so many follicles?  I wondered myself and asked the doctor when he came in to the room.  He said that I had ovulated some of the eggs.  Apparently this happens to less than 1.5% of women going through IVF.  He also said that some of the 30 follicles were small and didn't contain eggs.

I was so mad.  I had felt like I should have triggered earlier then I was told too.  I had a great E2 level and my follicle count was so good.  The doctor said to coast and my E2 level shot up so I couldn't trigger until it went down.  I even told Roger on Tuesday that I thought I should trigger, but I am not a medical professional so it wasn't up to me. I feel like the doctor waited to long to trigger me and that's why I ovulated. 

After sleeping for a few hours at home and talking more to Roger I have calmed down and gained perspective.  14 eggs is a good number, not what I wanted but still good.  Some women would be ecstatic with 14 as their retrieval number.  I just felt heartbroken that some of the eggs had ovulated :(

How do I feel after retrieval?
Can I just say I was not prepared for the pain I feel tonight.  I am SO sore from my belly button down.  The doctor said this is normal because the follicles were drained of fluid and were pushed and prodded with the needle during the retrieval.  I could barely walk!!


Tonight Roger took me to our favorite NYC style pizza place where I get baked ziti( its amazing).   I had taken a pain pill before we left but forgot to take the anti-nausea tablet with it..big mistake!  As soon as we walked in the door I ran to the bathroom and threw up 2 times.

All in all a rough, disappointing, painful day.  Everyday is new though, must stay positive!!!!

What's next?

Tomorrow we get our call with how many eggs fertilized, and the waiting game begins!




Here is the verse I am focusing on tonight : Psalm 138:8 "The Lord will perfect that which concerns me(us)."

Triggered and ready for Saturday!!!!

The past couple of days have been interesting.  On Monday my estradiol level was 3320 so I assumed I would be triggering on Tuesday and so did my nurse.  Dr. Ahlering decided to let my follicles grow a little more and to coast through Tuesday night, so no trigger.  On Wednesday I went in again and had my blood drawn and had another ultrasound.  They know me by name in this big busy office because I have been in there every day for like 2 weeks..haha!  Anyways I had 30+ follicles and they were measuring up to around 17mm.  They like to trigger and around 18mm.  My estradiol came back over 5000..yikes!  The doctor said I couldn't trigger on Wednesday because I would over or hyperstimulate, so again coasting and taking Ganirelex. 

Today I went in for a blood draw hoping that my level dropped below 4000 and it did-1700.  Got an email saying trigger at exactly 7:00PM tonight.  Not only did I have to trigger but also start the dreaded progesterone in oil shots in the buttocks.Yikes!  After staring at the needle for a good 20 minutes, watching a demo on how to give the shot and walking around with an icepack in my pants, I worked up the courage and did the shot!!!  Not so bad until after, I am really feeling the Intramuscular thing now, so sore!

My egg retrieval is set for Saturday at 9AM!!!  I have to fast the night before and take hydracodine early in the AM on Saturday so I will basically be in lala land by the time we even get to the clinic.

The next week is the part I have been mentally preparing for.  Saturday is retrieval, Sunday we will get a call with a fertilization report, Monday no call(ahhh)  Tuesday is the biopsy to take one cell out to send to Reprogenetics in NJ ( where they perform the PGD), Wednesday I will know how many normal cells/embryos we have ( believing for 3+) and Thursday is my 5 Day Transfer!!!  Big week coming up, I am so excited :)

Thanks for reading, and feel free to share your story as well :)

29 Follicles!!!!

So...I went in for my ultrasound and E2 level today(Cycle Day 9) and here are the results:

Right ovary: 15 Follicles
Left Ovary: 14 Follicles

Estradiol Level today: 1745

Largest Follicle is at 15mm.

According to several different sites that I read they like to trigger and retrieve when the  follicles reach between 16-18mm.  I am right there!  My nurse said that I would be triggering either tomorrow night or Wednesday at the latest!  I ripened quickly apparently :)

I was slightly freaked out realizing how soon I would have the retrieval( 2 days after the trigger shot). 

All in all both doctors said everything looked really good and that I would get a lot of eggs, which is what I have been praying for everyday :)  As quickly as everything is moving I feel peaceful knowing overall it has been a long time coming and I feel grateful to be able to do this whole process.


How do I feel?
It is getting hard to move to much, my abs are so tender and I feel 5 months pregnant with how much bloating I have, yikes!
I have to use the bathroom like every 15 minutes, probably due to all the pressure my ovaries are putting on my bladder..TMI my friend!

I feel hopeful about becoming pregnant for the first time in 3 years. It is a wonderful feeling to have hope, especially when it has been absent for so long.

Ultrasound # 2

Yesterday was my second ultrasound.  Roger had to work so I had to go by myself.  For whatever reason the doctor was way behind so I had to sit in the waiting room for an hour.  I was the only women in there not pregnant.  Every single women that walked by had a baby belly.  I hid my face in a magazine for the entire hour as to not get discouraged.


Anyways, when the doctor finally came in he asked if I was ready for my fluid ultrasound.  I was confused and told him i didn't think that was what I was there for.  He reminded me that the week before he thought he saw a polyp in my uterus( because the lining was so thick, and there was a small mass in the middle).  I didn't think it was a polyp because I tend to have very heavy periods with clotting.  Anyways I told him I had started my period( very late) and that I thought we should just try the normal ultrasound first and see what everything looked like.  He agreed and was pleasantly surprised with what he found.

My uterus had thinned out and was 12mm.  There was no polyp and no mass inside of it either.  I think the doctor was surprised, but I wasn't.

Follicle Count
I had 12 follicles on the right ovary and 10 on the left!!!!!!! Thank God. I was so excited.  Last time he told me between 12 and 15( although like I said before he was really rushing).  I have been praying for over 20 eggs at retrieval, so having 22+ follicles was extremely exciting!!! 

I have been feeling all those follicles growing the past couple of days.  I am sure the Menupor and Follistim are aiding in these sharp pains.  I feel pressure and my whole abdominal area is tender!  I'm getting super excited!

Injections
Tonight I have to do Follistim and Menupor, one after the other.  My goal is to not spill any of the Menupor on the table, it's expensive :)

Monday I have another ultrasound and E2, but this time it will actually be with Dr. Ahlering because he will be in town for mine and others cycles. 

Trigger Time
The countdown is on, I should be triggered by this Thursday or Friday and my egg retrieval will then be 2 days later! Yay!