Sometimes we have to get up, dust ourselves off and try again. In our case we have had to maybe 5 or 6 times. I mean it has to work at some point right? We will be able to have our own miracle and put this some what behind us. At this point I know that the hurt and sadness may lessen but I don't believe it will ever just disappear when we do finally have our babies. The devastation and emptiness that we and I'm sure other infertile couples feel is something that I believe becomes a part of us, part of our story in life.
I literally could not even open up my blog for months after our last disappointment. I wrote the post about it failing and then hid under my comforter for awhile. Not only is the IVF failure so upsetting but it is also embarrassing. I am sure I am not alone in saying that as a women you ask yourself " what the heck is wrong with my body? why did this not work? how am I supposed to keep trying?" Among several other questions.
As a I think back and reflect I have felt several emotions, anger at myself and the doctor( I will get into that later), sadness of course, confusion, exhaustion, fear and like comfort eating for at least a month( which I did- chocolate cake galore).
Anger at the doctor stemmed from the fact that I ovulated several of my lovely eggs prior to retrieval. How could I be in that less than 1% of women who ovulate when they are on several powerful drugs to prevent such an occurrence? Seriously? I told the nurse that I had a feeling I was ovulating and that I should trigger 2 days prior to when I ended up triggering. I know my body and I knew what I was feeling...but I digress. He kept putting it off so I not only ovulated but also he only retrieved 14 eggs. To some 14 is an outstanding number and I get that completely. In my case I had over 30 follicles and I needed just as many eggs because of the issue and genetic testing that would weed all but 1 embryo out. Yes, only 1 embryo out of the 10 biopsied came back normal. How disheartening is that? One sweet little girl, our little fighter made it, but then some how the whole thing failed in the end.
I know that like many women dealing with infertility the biggest question we ask is "why?". Though we may never get the answer we continue to ask it regularly.
I believe that I am able to write this post and open up about all of this because just yesterday I had a surge of hope and excitement about our situation. Rogers insurance goes into affect next week and we will have 6 IVF's covered completely! I called a new doctor and had a phone consult about the process and what we needed to do to prepare etc. My new doctor will be Dr. Randy Morris, apparently he is top 10 in the nation. Thank God for such good news. I will most likely be starting a cycle late December!!!!
I have started taking Royal Jelly which is supposed to be great for egg quality and quantity along with taking my folic acid, prenatals and eating lots and lots of spinach! If nothing else I feel healthy and vibrant from all of the vitamins!
Keep reading for updates and follow me on my second journey through IVF and PGD.
No comments:
Post a Comment