Return to Zero...Again

Although I wrote a post about our most recent transfer, I put it up then took it down again.  I didn't want to talk about it, until now.

My last post ended with symptoms I was having, and rightly so.  I received a positive pregnancy test on 4dp5dt.  It was very faint, but it was there.  I decided that was it and I wouldn't drive myself crazy testing again.  We left for Florida  for my sisters wedding and had a lot of fun.  I didn't test anymore just waited and hoped for a miracle on our beta day. 

Our miracle did not come though, our blood test came back negative.  This time something must have happened right after it started.  I was not pregnant anymore.  So for 3 days max I had those healthy babies growing in me, and then for some reason they stopped, again.  It was 2 sweet boys, we knew because of the PGD testing.  Two precious little boys.

To add to this horror our follow up was hardly comforting.  The doctor seemed almost defensive at me because I have been researching and trying to figure out what might be happening, what could we do differently, why was this happening over and over again?  Honestly, wouldn't any couple in our shoes be devastated, concerned and disappointed?  The doctor told me he wants to try again, on the same protocol , same everything.  Really?  I have had 4 miscarriages without IVF and 3 transfers resulting in negative or more loss and you want to do EVERYTHING the same?  I am looking into other doctors and second opinions but I don't have much confidence in anyone or anything right now, not even God.

I have no words to even begin to describe this heartache.  Only those who have experienced loss understand.  I haven't felt myself in weeks, months and now 4 1/2 years.  I am not even the same person I was before our first loss in January of 2010.

Though our stories are different I felt so much of a connection with this movie...Return to Zero.  It is a Lifetime movie, but it is well done and definitely portrays the devastation and brokenness that goes along with losing a child.  Check it out and let me know what you think. 

May FET

Fast foreword 8 weeks since our last loss and I am in the wait after  our second FET transfer( 3rd transfer overall).  The dreaded wait.  Symptom spotting online, on blogs, forums and Instagram.  Here I am again, hoping and believing for a better outcome.  A healthy baby(ies).  A non complicated, fun, healthy pregnancy.

Our FET Transfer May 30th, 2014

 Here is a list of symptoms I am feeling thus far for those, like myself, searching the web during their wait!

Transfer Day:  mild cramping from the transfer( catheter etc).  Ate lunch out with Roger and then home to rest and watch Lost all day!  No other symptoms to note today.

1dp5dt ( 1 Day Past 5 Day Transfer) : cramping started in the afternoon, lower back pain, noticed a few pinches and pulls, very tired( on a lot of progesterone though), very emotional.  Rested all day again.

2dp5dt: strong cramps, lower back pain, felt a few twinges in uterus, extremely tired, rested all day.

3dp5dt: Woke up wide awake at 5AM, boobs so sore I couldn't lay on my side, lower back pain, cramping, dizzy and tired in afternoon.

4dp5dt: sore boobs near armpit, cramping, lower back pain, stomach feeling full

Today is 4dp5dt so that's where I will stop for this afternoon.  I will say that it is SO hard to not google every symptom etc to compare to others.  I have also been trying to compare our last FET to this one and see if I have similar symptoms on similar days.  I feel a bit crazy today.  I am sure others can relate to this horrible wait, especially those who have faced failure and disappointment several times before, like us.

Here's to holding on to hope, faith and positive thoughts going foreword.

P.S.- I am not testing early this time, at least not this early.  It is such a mental game and I cant do that to myself again.

Our sweet, beautiful babies!!

April FET

So for most of my readers (friends, family, acquaintances, anonymous) you know that my last transfer April 3rd ended in a chemical pregnancy( early miscarriage).  There was no reason or explanation given, because really there was no reason it didn't end well.  The babies( a boy and girl) tested normal and healthy, obviously implanted because I had several positive pregnancy tests( posted below) accompanied by symptoms I have waited years to feel again.  But, I digress, it ended in 2 very low betas and a long week of waiting to naturally miscarry...again.

Our Positive Pregnancy Test 6dp5dt April FET

But for those of you who know me well, you know that though I may threaten to give up, it is not in my nature.  I am by nature a go getter, an overachiever.  We decided to start over with another FET immediately after I miscarried. 

So since I "gave up" my blog for the past few months, feeling deflated, angry, heart broken and discouraged.  Feeling that my story has always ended in failure I figured I would at least fill my readers in as to why I disappeared with no updates, wheather good or bad.


Here I am.   I am ready to open up again, in hopes that my story can have a happy ending.

Acupuncture and PIO Shots!!

Saturday I went in for my first ever acupuncture session.  After an initial consultation I took off my shoes and hopped up on the amazing warmed table.  The doctor put several needles in my lower and middle back and one in each of my ankles or feet ( hard to tell which it was as I was on my stomach face down.

Acupuncture Needles

How did it go?

Well at first I started to feel like I was floating ( hard to explain and very strange).  After that I literally zonked out and slept for the remaining 30 minutes.  It was glorious.  I never fall asleep that quickly.  It was peaceful and extremely relaxing.  I didn't want to leave the serene room once the nurse came in to pull the needles out.  Also, much like when you get a massage I woke up with a very dry throat, I must have released toxins too!

I go again tomorrow afternoon for another session, this time on my abdomen.  I am excited and so ready for Thursday!


In other news.  I had another blood draw today to check my progesterone and estradiol.  My progesterone was apparently a little low.  The nurse said its because my body is medicated and isn't producing it naturally on its own.  Any progesterone in my body is from the Endometrin suppositories.  However since they want as perfect as an environment for transfer they also added the awful PIO ( progesterone in oil) shot!  I will now add that to my regimen for the next weeks or months.

Icing before and after the PIO shot!

Firstly, if you have to do this shot I recommend not looking at how big the needles is for to long.  It will scare you and make you hesitate :)  Secondly, put an icepack in your pants for a good 15-20 minutes before doing the shot, it completely numbs it and you don't feel the needle go in!!  In fact, as  I write this I still have the icepack numbing my behind...haha!  It already aches, but that's okay...it will all be worth it!

Thursday at 12:15 our sweet babies will be nestled into their new home!



Love him and his encouragement everyday :)

Transfer Date is Set!!!!

This morning I went in for my estradiol blood work and a quick ultrasound!

Uterine Lining: 7.34mm ( they like it to be at a minimum of 7-8mm for transfer, so by next Thursday I will be nice and thick!)

Estrogen Level: 124

Just got a message in my inbox saying our transfer is set for next Thursday April 3rd!!!!

We are beyond excited right now :)

Gotta go drink my pomegranate juice....cannot wait for next Thursday!!

Birds nests with eggs are always symbolic to me,
 I love our 4 little babies so much!!

One Step Closer to Transfer!!!

Yesterday I went in for my baseline ultrasound.  It was CD2( Cycle Day) of our FET cycle and they were checking to make sure my uterine lining was thin( which it was) and that my ovaries were quiet( no big follicles).  Since I have been on birth control and Lupron everything looked good and quiet and my lining was 4.8

When I spoke with the nurse she said that as soon as the lining reaches 7-8 they will do transfer!  So I am now taking a lower dose of Lupron and Estrogen pills to thicken the lining!  I go back next Tuesday to check progress and will continue on this path for a few weeks or until the uterine lining reaches 7-8. At this point the nurses are saying the first week of April!! I think it will be sooner than they are saying because my lining tends to be on the thicker side naturally. 

I am getting so excited and trying to keep positive.   Roger keeps reminding me that up to this point we have received only good news and that we should just keep thinking positively.  I am definitely feeling different this time around so I hope that means something :)

PGD Results

Good Morning!

Though this update comes a few days late it is great news and I want to share it non the less.

A picture of an expanded blastocyst- amazing!

After 10 days of waiting for our PGD results.  I finally got a message in my patient portal from the embryologist....

We had originally sent 11 expanded blastocysts to the PGD lab.

A PGD lab checks for firstly unbalanced translocations( which is the cause for my previous miscarriages).  They also check for missing or additional chromosomes and are of course looking for normal/balanced embryos or babies.

Our results were as follows:

5 came back as have unbalanced translocations :( ( our reason for doing IVF in the first place)

2 came back as missing 1 chromosome

and...drum roll please....4 came back as normal/balanced!!!!!!!!!!!

Such amazing news to read and share!

We are SO excited with this number.  I started my Lupron ( to suppress my ovaries) yesterday and I continue to take birth control for a few more days.  Once I get my next period I start Estace ( estrogen- the really fun stuff :) ) then shortly after we will have our transfer.

The embryos will be thawed because they are currently frozen as of now.  Once thawed the doctor will chose 2 of the 4 to transfer!  The remaining 2 will remain frozen until we are ready for our other sweet babies!

7 days later they do a blood test to determine if I am pregnant or not.  We of course are so hopeful for positive results :)

More updates as I get a set transfer date!